Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Dolls on drugs
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.