He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
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I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
remember
only for emergencies
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Message from the dog groomers
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.