My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
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Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.