9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
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Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
When you let grandma cat sit
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone