I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
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If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.