Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
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Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
notice
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?