ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
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Imagine having a party on purpose.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD