WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?