Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”