LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
You Might Also Like
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Oh yeah that’s it
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights