God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
peeping toms
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE