Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
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Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?