Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud