“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
You Might Also Like
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.