“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.