Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
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ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Breaking news:
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
It’s a gift
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.