*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
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me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
This is the best one I’ve seen
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
The days of good grammer has went
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.