If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
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me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.