In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.