*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
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If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it