[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
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Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
called in thicc to work this morning
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
#gardening
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.