I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
u spoke cat all this time??????
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.