My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
You Might Also Like
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.