Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
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If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.