Wise advice
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Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Thrilling chase underway
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.