My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
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I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
me irl
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward