cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash