My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
This probably isn’t good
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp