Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
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-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
happy mother’s day❤️
This could be us… but you playing
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂