If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*