Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
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me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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