[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
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I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My dad.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.