The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You Might Also Like
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit