Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
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[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
new record!
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
There’s only one good girl here!
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on