me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
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I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.