a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
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By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Oh my god
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.