I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Mornin. * use accordingly
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did