The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
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I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*