There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]