Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
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Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night