Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths