ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room