Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.