the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf