I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I just tested negative for patience.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.