Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.