“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom