[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105