Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1