*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
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Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
japanese corn
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.